Yesterday I posted and asked if you have sex when you dont wanna, just to make your hubby happy. A great conversation ensued and I wanted to give a my perspective as a husband, father and man on this.
Its straight from my journal too, so if youre easily offended by rude words or vulgarity, you should probably be offended more often.
In a nutshell, I think you should have sex with hubby when you dont feel like it.
But before I explain why, I want to point out that Im speaking to relationships like ours – two adults who love each other and are busy as fuck and also committed to living life on your terms, where sex can become a luxury rather than a necessity.
Im not speaking in any way to abusive relationships, which is the realm of professional help.
I feel like it should be a balance when it comes to sex.
I dont always have sex to connect, sometimes I just want to feel good before I go to sleep. SOmetimes I just feel horny and want to be touched and looked at and feel good.
Sometimes i hope she will get into it because im so hot and such a stud that she’s overwhelmed with my studness and goes all crazy on me.
It doesnt even have to be sex sex, like penetration, i really like looking at her while she blows me, i like her eyes looking up at me. Its hot, she’s hot. I love that I have a HOT wife.
Plus, I can make myself full body orgasm off very little, so for me its not just a little cock shudder that lasts 3 seconds, I can have a full body energetic orgasm that lasts ages and shifts me into a higher level of alignment and wellbeing.
So sometimes, I do want that even if Stace doesnt. Because here’s the thing –
I want to feel sexually desirable. It means a LOT to me as a man.
I want to feel that she will do things because Im worth doing them to (or with!)
I believe and choose that I can and will feel good when I want. Whats the fucking point of life if you dont get sexual feel good when you feel aroused. And I get aroused more than Stace does for various reasons including core beliefs around sex, conditioned behaviour, energy levels right now, and, not to mention – being a man!
Which means, like I mentioned before, that I dont need to connect to have an orgasm, I just need a tiny bit of attention and some friction.
BUT!! All that said –
My (our) best and most preferred kind of sex is the deeply connected kind.
Just because I can get aroused and orgasm with fuck all lead in time, doesnt mean that I want that all the time.
I MUCH prefer a long build up.
I like to feel relaxed, massage each other, tease, play, talk dirty, build up slowly and get into connection and flow with each other so that you stop thinking and are able to just KNOW what the other is wanting.
You know when you just know, without knowing how, exactly what your partner is going to find fucking delicious and then you just KEEP on knowing until it hits a fucking high that you dont think you will come down from??
Where the sex takes its own direction and you almost feel like a passenger in the experience and its both loving but also HOT and sweaty and lusty?
When sex becomes not just a physical experience, but when you feel that true energetic and spiritual coming together that fills you up on all levels?
I would prefer this kind of sex EVERY time.
I love putting the ‘work’ in before hand – work meaning the build up and lead in and SHOWING just how much I love Stacey.
Its better for me and her.
Right now, with a business, work, two kids, one of whom didnt sleep for a year and left us kinda empty for a while, et-fucking-cetera –
Getting this once per week is a big fucking challenge, let alone every time. For all the reasons that all y’all busy parents know about.
We arent big ones for excuses, so we work on ways around this constantly, but its still a challenge.
So, I want balance.
I want hot, sweaty, intuitive, connected, physical and energetic sex. I PREFER it. But when its not available, I want the “gettin it done” type.
If Stace cant get in the mood, but it hits me – Im going to ask for it. Im not going to whinge when i dont get it (ok sometimes I do get all grumpy and feel unloved), but I AM going to expect it at some point, especially if the mood doesnt happen to strike her for… whatever period feels too long for me.
This isnt a system of course – Im not saying that there is a schedule on the fridge and she’s expected to do her wifely duties when there is a little (s) marked on the calendar.
The obvious thing too, is that usually (because of my studness 😉 ) –
She gets into it!
Not always, but usually.
Which means often its not that she didnt want it, just that she had a head full of stories about how hard it was going to be, or how early she had to get up, or how tired she was going to be in the morning or … whatever other story is going on.
Im not saying Im perfect here by the way. Stace and I both have bunch of “bad” (for lack of a better word) sexual programming when we got together. We both had shit beliefs about what sex meant, about being good enough, about being used, about being able to be open in communicating what we want.
We have worked through a lot of it – and we continue to break through new stuff each week. Sex is like everything in relationship and life – there are ALWAYS new levels to explore. To expand into.
Isnt that the fucking point of living?
So there it is, what I feel about sex.
For me, its right that we find balance in a hectic world, and sometimes that means “putting out” or however you want to say it, but also me not buying into the story that sex is mechanical and should just happen because Im able to get instantly aroused and that sometimes I need to MAKE SPACE for love and connection in a sexual context.
The main thing here is to work out whats right for you. What I believe is irrelevant, the main thing is that Stace and I are completely fucking honest about our desires and beliefs and that your path is to do the same. Sex is fucking important and the quality can suffer with kids, success etc.
Love, fuck, connect, play however is true for you.
Its funny when women like you and I, the women that are often referred to as winners, who have so much accomplishment and so much in the way of results –
Are often the most likely to have a deep sense that something is missing.
Like you may be a killer when it comes to your job. Sales guru. Boss. Team leader. Business Queen… But for some reason you just cant seem to get your body results to match your work results. You say to yourself “Im fucking SMART… so why cant I figure this shit out?”
Or maybe you’ve got work locked down and your body is tracking in the right direction, but in the quiet moments at night you wonder if this is all there is going to be when it comes to your relationship. Is this as close and connected as you and hubby are going to get? Are you destined to be team mates in life, or will you bring the FIRE again?
Or maybe – and this is where we were just a few years ago – you are happy with your body, you got monies in da bank and you all your friends hashtag you with #relationshipgoals… but for some reason there is a deep feeling of being unsettled… a confusing feeling of being both rich in life, but somehow inside feeling empty and off track.
Ive been there.
The frustrating thing is, is that usually YOU are the one that your friends turn to for advice. And the advice you give is GOOD! Its on point and you can see when they actually fucking action it – your friends lives change for the better…
But for some reason, in the areas that matter most, you just cant seem to figure out which advice you should take for yourself!
I see smart and talented women all the time taking less than they are worth… less than they deserve. Women who have accepted the story that this is as good as it can get.
I have conversations with women who fucking KILL IT in their careers, but go home at night to luke-warm marriages where they sit and watch tv together and call that connection.
“Oh well, we are busy” is the story… like that is somehow justification for existing through the evenings.
I see women who have beautiful families that are full of love, but who just cant seem to put themselves the fuck first for a whole week in a row and so live in a body that they just dont find inspiring.
“I just dont get time with all the XYZ stuff to do for everyone else” is the story.
You’ve always been a winner.
If one of your friends came to you with these stories, you smack her verbally across the face so fast her head would spin!!
So stop accepting less than you are so totally obviously worthy of. Now!
And the thing is – Im not saying anything you dont know.
You hear that little inner voice whispering to you at night… You hear that ancient feminine guidance, rising up and actually speaking the solution to you… That intuitive knowing that comes from within that just doesnt make sense to the logical fear mind that you have been conditioned to believe in.
You know this voice is true, but you are just too SCARED to listen to it.
Scared, because even though you have so much, ARE so much, deep down you still feel –
Like a fraud.
Like this thing you want is only available to women who are smarter, more popular, cleverer, hotter, more confident… just more.
You are enough.
You are worthy to have everything you want.
You are worthy to have it all in life.
Start LISTENING to that voice again, like you used to when you were young. It isnt noisy chatter to make you feel down on yourself, it IS the path to what you want.
I cant promise it will lead you down a nice garden path full of roses and sweet smelling flowers. In fact it may just lead you down the darkest, rockiest and scariest fucking path in the jungle full of snakes and bears and shit.
But either way, it will lead you back to who you really are. To what you really desire.
And thats all that matters if you want to have it all in this life.
Warning: risk of being extremely triggered upon reading this.
Im about to hold the mirror up gorgeous. You will see what you need to see, though that doesnt mean you will necessarily want to see it. It doesnt mean it will be comfortable or like a warm embrace. If youre my kind of woman though – the kind that not only wants MORE from life, but knows that she was BORN for more (“more” being whatever the fuck you know it to be) –
Then this will be exactly what you need.
Which brings me to –
When are you going to finally lift yourself up and stop accepting this comfortable, nice, safe but not entirely ecstatic life that you have created?
The life that you have accepted…tolerated … allowed to be true for far too long now… Rather than the life that you see inside yourself, the one where it works EXACTLY how you envision it… where you know what you desire is available because youre smart enough, accomplished enough, strong enough, GOOD enough to fucking create it – and damn WORTH the doing of it!
OH only IF –
IF you weren’t so fucking committed to staying safe… to not rocking the boat… to not turning the fucking apple cart on its arse, spilling the apples everywhere and doing it with a “so fucking what, what you gonna do about it” smile on your face.
IF you weren’t so committed to wanting — nay, NEEDING – permission from all and sundry to simply ASK for and BE yourself. Not this watered down pale version of yourself that you peddle like cheap watches on a Bali street stall – the REAL you and all the thoughts, dreams and desires that go with her.
IF you weren’t so hungry for the certainty and consistency of what we both know is MEDIOCRE for the version of you that you are truly capable of creating and being.
The YOU that expects to be loved and to give love like she visions in her mind. Who is raw and honest about what her emotional and sexual and connection needs are – no matter how scary or challenging they might be… No matter how much you question whether or not that is really “you” or whether that “you” will be too much or too different for whoever receives it.
The YOU that doesnt use store-bought excuses like “such is life” or “this is just how it is” or “if things were better / different” or any of the other time, money or support related excuses that are bandied around like a real life “get out of jail free card” from Monopoly. The you that takes action even when everything seems fucked or like its moving along at a snails pace and it may take a million years to get there. ESPECIALLY when it seems like this!
The YOU that simply does whats needed to look and feel HOT, not because of what others think or because there is some risk of photos being taken on an upcoming warm weather holiday – but because you DESERVE to look hot as fuck like its your birthright (which it is), whatever that means to you, and to embody the energy of hot as fuck as well. And if youre honest, you know that this means you will finally have to stand up for your value and worth in the world and put yourself fucking FIRST for more than a day or a week and possibly even months or years to make it happen.
The YOU that knows her legacy goes beyond just the food the she puts on the table and the roof she places overhead… Because the truth is that while you know you will leave your children financial stability and opportunity, your real legacy is SHOWING your kids that living life unapologetically and from the their TRUTH is what matters most… that toeing the line just to have a “nice life” is the EPITOME of playing it small and that they should live their most outrageous life possible.
Hey I get it though, its gonna take some work to get there.
Boats will be rocked…
Said apple carts upset…
Feelings may be hurt…
Friends may be left behind because they no longer represent you…
You may have to risk looking like a “bad mum” because your house is never clean…
You may end up being that tall poppy in a world of boring flowers that all think the poppy somehow stole their sunshine and is the reason they are dull and grey.
But whats the alternative?
Living comfortable life with all the “stuff” – in a neutral shade of grey. Or to put it another way –
Dying with your song still unsung inside of you.
If this doesnt resonate or if you have no idea what Im talking about, then this Stacey and Ryan show probably just isn’t for you.
We honestly dont believe weight loss is sustainable if youre focussing on just food and exercise – its just not fucking worth it. Why be in shape if your life isn’t worth it?
You cant… you wont.
We dont have an overweight epidemic because people dont know what to do.
It exists because life is being lived in shades of grey.
It exists because its easier to reach for cookies or cake or biscuit or to drink the weekends away to numb yourself to the truth –
Than it is to take the action you know you need to, to create the life you deserve.
And if you find yourself triggered, frustrated or angry at how judgemental this is and how we dont know your situation and all that you’ve been through, then just remember that precisely BECAUSE we dont know you, that this is just a mirror. And the fact that youre triggered actually means you KNOW that you have more that you can unleash into the world… and that you know youre not yet doing it.
And remember –
You are unstoppable.
If youre ready to take some massive action to create life, love and body NOW – then we have something to help it along the way.
Very soon we are going to give away ANY of our programs for FREE to 20 women to take fast action. Literally any – even the ones that have sold for several hundred dollars.
If you are done with excuses and are ready to create an AH-MAY-ZING body FAST, then PM us now and join the waiting list so we can notify you when this offer becomes available.
I was asked this question by my mentor this week – and its been a fucking doozey (doosie? Doozie? Idk)
Its actually had me stuck for 24 hours, stuck in the sense that I didnt feel ready to answer it. I was actually subconsciously afraid of what might come up.
Not afraid in the sense that I would admit to myself that I wanted to do something really creepy or offensive, but afraid in the sense that I would have to admit that I was playing small in some way… and that once I admitted it to myself – that I would have to force myself to take action on it.
You know what Im talking about? When you deep down get the message from your soul or inner guidance that says “You are MORE than you are allowing yourself to be.”
So as I sat to journal this morning – something I do every day – there was a little trepidation about putting the pen to paper.
And as the words flowed out, not from my brain but from some place deeper, some place more connected to my truth – I got the scary answer i was looking for…
Im afraid to admit that I want to be in the limelight… to be followed and listened to and loved for who I truly am… Because at the same time –
Im afraid that people wont really like me for my truth… accept me for who I truly am.
Its not even that Im not mostly my true self, the things I talk about and the beliefs I share are actually what I believe. Im totally comfortable with the fact that I dont believe weight loss has any rules to follow. Im totally cool with saying I truly believe that you can eat all the healthy food in the world and exercise every day, but if your relationships and purpose are off point – it wont results in lasting change.
Its not my beliefs that Im worried about… its just that they come out of MY mouth. Im afraid that even if i continually level myself up, each day, week, month and year, that if I continue to stand atop my soapbox and share my message –
That I will find out its not enough… that Im not enough…
Not enough in the sense that by just being me and sharing my message (which is really our message) I will discover that its not enough to live the life I believe I was born for.
So instead, I stick to whats safe. I relate everything we talk about to weight loss, even though weight loss is really a BY-PRODUCT of getting your life into fucking alignment.
I hint at your relationships being a factor in weight loss… instead of straight out saying that youre kidding yourself if you think that you can maintain a disconnected relationship and easily stay in shape.
I hint at purpose being important… instead of laying down the motherfucking LAW that lack of purpose will always result in feeling stuck, bored, anxious and will soon be followed by uncontrolled binging on the couch every night after dinner to numb the fuck out and disconnect from your life.
I pretend that every woman can get the results she wants…. when really, to be honest, most cant. Not that this has anything to do with their body mind you, but just that most just wont do the work – the inner AND outer work – that is required to live the life they want in the body they want.
Sorry not sorry, but you know deep down whether or not youre going to do what’s needed or whether you are going to write an encyclopaedia of excuses to keep in your back pocket… the encyclopaedia of “Reasons why its not my fault”.
Mostly the main thing I dont say is that I really only want to work with people who identify as being driven. Who really feel like they are born to have more… more of what? Just MORE! More money, more sexiness, more health, more fun, more growth – more LIFE – in the way that feels true for them.
The things we have been committed to for … well since fucking forever. But definitely for the last 8 years or so.
We will continue to experience this too, since we are RELENTLESS in the pursuit of what we want.
So what will it be? Are you ready to admit what you are truly afraid you want?
Are you ready to stop tolerating less than you are truly worth, be that in body, money, relationship or life?
Can you admit and then take action on this this week, today, NOW?
Or are you going to keep on waiting? Waiting for someone else to hand you the life and body you deserve… waiting for someone else to tell you –
YES, YOU ARE WORTHY TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT!
Whenever I break through stressing about a situation, whether thats not having what I want or feeling stuck or restricted, I suddenly realise that –
It was always there waiting to be received.
It doesnt matter in what area of life whether its my body or money or health, the moment I decide to let go of the stories that build up in my mind and simply take the action required – the answer just seems to present itself.
Ive been stressing about money recently. There’s things I want to do and, well they cost money. But it hasn’t felt like money has been available to me as much recently.
This really comes back to how I feel about myself. Being sleepless and run down for a while now, I really haven’t felt worthy of commanding the amount of money I usually decide is available to me. Ive felt like “why would someone want to pay me with the way I am now?”
The worst thing with this story is that it stops me making decisions. I just stall. I stop taking action. I find things to make myself feel busy that really when it all comes down to it – dont fucking matter.
This of course just digs the hole a little deeper each day!
This morning its taken an hour to shift myself out of this. To shift the story about what I want not being available to me. To allow my inner state the freedom to be able to make a powerful and aligned decision. And of course…
In the INSTANT I changed my state, my intuition delivered up the answer! Two hours ago I really felt stuck and restricted and was playing “poor me” over and over in my head. I didnt feel like I could find $2 in my car ashtray…
But after making a massive shift in my inner state – suddenly I’ve got $5k coming in.
The KEY thing here though, is that that $5k Im speaking of WAS ALWAYS there, waiting to be got. I just couldn’t see it with my mind clouded as fuck with stories and bullshit and poor me self talk.
The same is true no matter what you are after in life.
If you want more money… its available.
If you want to lose all the weight… the answer is available.
If you want more intimacy… its there for you.
Its there WHEN you are ready to shift the story that it aint.
If youre feeling a little triggered by this, thats cool. I would have been a couple hours ago too. It felt too hard, like life wasnt fair, like no-one would understand. It felt like I was under a mountain of shit so deep I couldn’t see the top.
But just remember –
New millionaires are made every day…
Instagram is full of women just like you with abs…
And someone somewhere is being loved just like you want to.
Make the shift.
Get out of your own way.
Live the life you were born for.
Our first free challenge in FOREVER is here!
Stripped Bare And Re-created is 10 days of inner shifts and releasing old stories that are keeping you from the body, money and intimacy that you want and deserve.
This is a challenge we started for ourselves and decided that we’d invite you on down to play as well.
Since we started for ourselves just over a week ago we’ve already received thousands of dollars in cash mo-ney, been given free clothes and been gifted a $700 self development program!
Of course that’s just whats important to us at the moment – Stripped Bare And Re-created is also about massive weight loss or deep changes to your romantic or friendship life.
Its all free, but its definitely only for you if you are ready to look inwards at how YOU are creating the resistance to what you want in life. Its for women who know they deserve more and take FULL responsibility for their results.
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I don’t mean the kind where you organise your kids, your finances, watch tv and sleep next to each other.
I mean a real relationship that is being nourished, where you actually spend quality time with each other, have conversation outside of bills and renovations?
One where you connect over a glass or two of wine, wrestle each other, go on date nights, have great sex, stay up late in bed talking, actual FUN?
Do you want to?
Ryan and I have always prioritised our relationship, even when shit gets hard and we lack the time, the funds or the energy.
We always prioritise US.
Ryan and I both grew up and saw our parents separate. We vowed to ourselves and each other that we would put our relationship first.
Yes, that means before our kids.
Meaning we wouldn’t allow our time to slip away, for our lives to go by, living through and around our kids.
We will never settle for a good relationship, we want it to stand on its own in the realm of greatness.
We realized along time ago that we would not compromise on this, we would not allow our love and connection to fizzle and die.
And that meant going deep into our own personal shit and looking at what we each brought to the table in our relationship.
What triggers us.
What unconscious behaviors are ruling our actions or reactions.
What are our beliefs around relationships, ourselves and how could we unpack these, so we could come together in the now.
You see, most relationships I see are disconnected and surface level.
People fight, argue and have a need to be RIGHT, I know I operated from this place for a long time and when I’m tired I do revert to my automatic programming of not wanting to be wrong.
Not many people are willing to talk, to really open up in relationships because at the surface level of all relationships, men want to solve the woman’s problems and don’t like to talk about there on shit and women want to talk about their own shit and not take action to change the shit…
We don’t know how to meet each other at a new level of understanding, a new level of connection.
An understanding and connection that Ryan and I have in our relationship
One where you never take things PERSONALLY.
One where you always assume that other has your BEST interests at heart.
One where you openly talk and be vulnerable with each other, about how things make you feel or how something they did made you feel. And again not taking it personally. For we seek the truth, not the story that is created from conditioning.
We are all conditioned by our own experience, our childhood and society and every time we have an interaction, we see what someone else has done through our own experience. We make assumptions or stories based on that – this is where a lot of people go wrong.
They make assumptions about their partner that may or may not be true, allowing their emotions and story telling to take over.
This is where the REAL conversation piece comes into it. If you are not willing to ask your husband (without having already made up your mind) why he did what he did, without accusation, without judgement then you need to look at why you cant or aren’t willing to do this.
Why aren’t you openly communicating?
What are you scared of?
What are you worried about?
Why cant you or your partner look at this stuff, and I’m sorry not sorry if you aren’t willing to look at this stuff as a couple – you will never have a relationship that is out of this world amazing.
It takes work.
It takes time.
It takes looking at your own shit and owning it.
It takes asking yourself one very important question –
WHAT DO I ACTUALLY WANT MY RELATIONSHIP TO LOOK LIKE?
Mind blowing I know.
But most people don’t ask themselves this question and I think its because they feel they don’t have control over it – but gorgeous, you have everything in your life because you NEED it, because you ASKED for it.
So if you want to CHANGE it, you want something different, start doing and acting differently.
Want to see how having a great body and marriage go hand-in-hand? –> The Unstoppable Body Book