Yesterday I posted and asked if you have sex when you dont wanna, just to make your hubby happy. A great conversation ensued and I wanted to give a my perspective as a husband, father and man on this.
Its straight from my journal too, so if youre easily offended by rude words or vulgarity, you should probably be offended more often.
In a nutshell, I think you should have sex with hubby when you dont feel like it.
But before I explain why, I want to point out that Im speaking to relationships like ours – two adults who love each other and are busy as fuck and also committed to living life on your terms, where sex can become a luxury rather than a necessity.
Im not speaking in any way to abusive relationships, which is the realm of professional help.
I feel like it should be a balance when it comes to sex.
I dont always have sex to connect, sometimes I just want to feel good before I go to sleep. SOmetimes I just feel horny and want to be touched and looked at and feel good.
Sometimes i hope she will get into it because im so hot and such a stud that she’s overwhelmed with my studness and goes all crazy on me.
It doesnt even have to be sex sex, like penetration, i really like looking at her while she blows me, i like her eyes looking up at me. Its hot, she’s hot. I love that I have a HOT wife.
Plus, I can make myself full body orgasm off very little, so for me its not just a little cock shudder that lasts 3 seconds, I can have a full body energetic orgasm that lasts ages and shifts me into a higher level of alignment and wellbeing.
So sometimes, I do want that even if Stace doesnt. Because here’s the thing –
I want to feel sexually desirable. It means a LOT to me as a man.
I want to feel that she will do things because Im worth doing them to (or with!)
I believe and choose that I can and will feel good when I want. Whats the fucking point of life if you dont get sexual feel good when you feel aroused. And I get aroused more than Stace does for various reasons including core beliefs around sex, conditioned behaviour, energy levels right now, and, not to mention – being a man!
Which means, like I mentioned before, that I dont need to connect to have an orgasm, I just need a tiny bit of attention and some friction.
BUT!! All that said –
My (our) best and most preferred kind of sex is the deeply connected kind.
Just because I can get aroused and orgasm with fuck all lead in time, doesnt mean that I want that all the time.
I MUCH prefer a long build up.
I like to feel relaxed, massage each other, tease, play, talk dirty, build up slowly and get into connection and flow with each other so that you stop thinking and are able to just KNOW what the other is wanting.
You know when you just know, without knowing how, exactly what your partner is going to find fucking delicious and then you just KEEP on knowing until it hits a fucking high that you dont think you will come down from??
Where the sex takes its own direction and you almost feel like a passenger in the experience and its both loving but also HOT and sweaty and lusty?
When sex becomes not just a physical experience, but when you feel that true energetic and spiritual coming together that fills you up on all levels?
I would prefer this kind of sex EVERY time.
I love putting the ‘work’ in before hand – work meaning the build up and lead in and SHOWING just how much I love Stacey.
Its better for me and her.
Right now, with a business, work, two kids, one of whom didnt sleep for a year and left us kinda empty for a while, et-fucking-cetera –
Getting this once per week is a big fucking challenge, let alone every time. For all the reasons that all y’all busy parents know about.
We arent big ones for excuses, so we work on ways around this constantly, but its still a challenge.
So, I want balance.
I want hot, sweaty, intuitive, connected, physical and energetic sex. I PREFER it. But when its not available, I want the “gettin it done” type.
If Stace cant get in the mood, but it hits me – Im going to ask for it. Im not going to whinge when i dont get it (ok sometimes I do get all grumpy and feel unloved), but I AM going to expect it at some point, especially if the mood doesnt happen to strike her for… whatever period feels too long for me.
This isnt a system of course – Im not saying that there is a schedule on the fridge and she’s expected to do her wifely duties when there is a little (s) marked on the calendar.
The obvious thing too, is that usually (because of my studness 😉 ) –
She gets into it!
Not always, but usually.
Which means often its not that she didnt want it, just that she had a head full of stories about how hard it was going to be, or how early she had to get up, or how tired she was going to be in the morning or … whatever other story is going on.
Im not saying Im perfect here by the way. Stace and I both have bunch of “bad” (for lack of a better word) sexual programming when we got together. We both had shit beliefs about what sex meant, about being good enough, about being used, about being able to be open in communicating what we want.
We have worked through a lot of it – and we continue to break through new stuff each week. Sex is like everything in relationship and life – there are ALWAYS new levels to explore. To expand into.
Isnt that the fucking point of living?
So there it is, what I feel about sex.
For me, its right that we find balance in a hectic world, and sometimes that means “putting out” or however you want to say it, but also me not buying into the story that sex is mechanical and should just happen because Im able to get instantly aroused and that sometimes I need to MAKE SPACE for love and connection in a sexual context.
The main thing here is to work out whats right for you. What I believe is irrelevant, the main thing is that Stace and I are completely fucking honest about our desires and beliefs and that your path is to do the same. Sex is fucking important and the quality can suffer with kids, success etc.
Love, fuck, connect, play however is true for you.